Monday, March 19, 2007

Brave in my blogs, brave in my dreams

Do you ever have dreams where you save someone's life, speak for truth and justice, stand bravely against the wrong in this world? I do. I often portray myself as articulate, bold, witty and undeterred. I portray, somewhat, the same on blogs - not just my blog but when I comment on others. Several posts ago I wrote how much I love blogging because one can edit and edit until their words are so fine tuned that they make sense. If I were to stand in front of a group and spout off as I do on my blog I would fumble, stutter, hem and haw and basically make a fool of myself. I am much more articulate on this site than I am in real life.

During President Bush's state of the union address he acknowledged the bravery of a man who jumped in after someone who fell on a subway line. No hesitation, no second guessing. He jumped in and brought the man to safety. I wonder if I have that bravery in me. I wonder what am I made of and do I have the guts to hold to my convictions when tested. I don't feel that my life has been tested.

If someone screamed help because they were being attacked, they were injured, whatever, would I come running to their aid, regardless of my own safety (like the man in the subway). I haven't been tested but in my heart of hearts I think I would have second, third, fourth thoughts before taking off in the direction of the scream. "What of my own safety, what if it's a ruse, I have to think of my children!"

Part of my hesitation is born out of the mistrust I think is prevalent in our society. We don't believer other's pleas for help are legitimate. I see this out our church and it's food bank. We've had numerous people come to our house and church asking for money, food, a helping hand, only to find out this is their 9-5 job- visiting churches and asking for alms. It tends to jade you to the people who really need it.

But it's not just for physical cries for help. When I'm in a situation where scripture is used unscripturally, (this has happened when I was much younger during college years), the name of Christ is slandered or an opposing opinion is I stand up and speak my peace with the same gumption and gall as the other's? Usually I swallow my pride and my bravery and my words and say nothing.

So I'm bold on the internet and in my dreams. Maybe those are rehearsal for when the real thing happens.

I love James Bond movies (where are you going with this Barb?). I really liked the latest - Casino Royale. Near the beginning of the movie James is chasing a terrorist through a construction site. It's an amazing piece of stunt work. The terrorist is jumping through cars, scaling almost vertical beams, leaping 10-20 feet off roofs. James is following close behind but before he runs he surveys the lay of the land: what's a possible short-cut, which way up, down, through and then - bang - he moves. No hesitation. He plans, then executes.

I feel I've been planning and (I hesitate to say this fearing something is around the corner that will but my plan into action) have no idea if I will stand strong when finally tested.


Dave Moody said...

sooooo... do you know something I don't know?

Holly said...

You ask a good question, Barb.

I think that I have become more articulate in real life because of blogging. It forces me to think things thru and take a stand on issues. Something I might only flirt with, otherwise.

Just this last week, I DID stand up for something that was very important. It was awkward - and I felt stupid for awhile afterward. I didn't feel particularly brave at first...just wondered if I really should have done so.

And yet - as the day wore on and I could see the good that was coming from my stance and kind but firm verbalization of it - I was glad that I had done so.

Now - would I do so if my life was in danger?

I DON'T know that!

p.s. In my dreams lately, I've been dying. Ick. Double ick. I don't even want to try to psycho analyze that. I hope (!) that it means a death to self!