The build up to a merry celebration and after you think,
"What, that wasn't so merry nor gratifying."
And then you think,
"I know it's not about me, it's about Jesus, God incarnate-
that's what I'm celebrating, or supposed to be.
Boy do I feel guilty for thinking it's about me and
how come my husband can't read my mind and
get what I REALLY want instead of....!"
Then I think of the homeless folks, families' who have to use soup kitchens not just on Christmas day but everyday. I think of the tsunami victims from three years ago and how many are still without basic necessities. And then I think of those closer-to-home, those in Oklahoma who were without power for a week and I think how shallow I am.that's what I'm celebrating, or supposed to be.
Boy do I feel guilty for thinking it's about me and
how come my husband can't read my mind and
get what I REALLY want instead of....!"
So I wallow in my self-pity of:
"I'm no good"
"I'm so petty"
"I'm so selfish"
and I think of how I had these grand ideas of teaching my kids what Christmas is all about but instead I'm whining."I'm so petty"
"I'm so selfish"
Fessing up...
...I said earlier that we don't give Christmas presents. Well, I caved. We usually open presents from aunts/uncles/grandparents on Christmas morning and save our presents till Epiphany. This Christmas there was little under the tree so I went out and bought little things for the kids to open. I caved. I succumbed to the stress of wanting to fit in with my kids so they had something to say when their friends asked, "What did you get for Christmas?"
So I feel like a fraud.
And my only spiritual fall-back is that this teaches me that I will be discontented with the here and now because I'm supposed to be. What there is, what is offered, what is tempting is garbage in comparison to what will be, the kingdom to come, the banquet feast to be.
And I'm left wanting.
P.S. Happy New Year!
6 comments:
Barb, is it just possible that you went out and bought the presents because you felt a little sad for your kids and because you love them you did it? God gave the greatest of all gift to us its okay to give that way to your kids. I think.
I don't know but I think sometimes people get too hyper about this. It's pretty black and white. God gave His Son for us because He loves us. All over the world, many celebrate this on December 25, some celebrate instead on Epiphany. We should celebrate all year. Does it really matter WHEN or more WHY? I don't mean to get preachy or anything. Have a Great New Year!
I think it's encouraging to fall short sometimes and feel blah. It helps us remember why we do the things we do. Did the kids like the presents?
I'm totally with you, Barb!
Thanks for your honesty...
(I wonder what our kids will think when they read our thoughts to the world, years from now?)
Thanks Viola - I do love my kids
Hannah - you are wise beyond your years. Are you sure you're not my child?
I'm glad to encourage Mamatina - cux I fall short alot! Did the kids like the presents - hmm, socks, books, gum, not too exciting but fun to open nonetheless.
Paul - i'm nothing if not honest, I hope! I hope I don't embarrass my kids, too much
I was just thinking, I just put a tag blessing on my site for you.
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