God-given Christ-self

There's an excellent article at World Net Daily (thanks to mommylife.net for linking it) about Michael Glatze, a publisher for a magazine called Young Gay America. From the age of 13 until 30 he was active in the homosexual life, until he began doubting that his lifestyle was virtuous and truthful. The article is not too long and I encourage you to read it through. I was especially encouraged/challenged by what Michael said "Homosexuality allows us to avoid digging deeper, through superficiality and lust-inspired attractions – at least, as long as it remains "accepted" by law. As a result, countless miss out on their truest self, their God-given Christ-self."

I can see this understanding and truth applying to so much more than only homosexuality - really any "idol" (money, food, reputation, etc.) we place in our hearts to "feel" and search for love. The truth is that love is only found in relationship with our Creator and living according to His will and desire for our lives - our "God-given Christ-self." When I settle for things other than Christ to fulfill me (for me, honestly, it's food) I am not digging deeper, I am lazy and settling for superficiality. Oh, this is a burden and not freedom. I am praying today that Michael's honest and truthful example will strike me down to the point of being able only to reach out to the one person who can bring true comfort and love. It is not a thing, not a food, not a magazine, not a nap, not another person...only in relationship with Christ.

How A Gay Rights Leader Became Straight

By Michael Glatze

Homosexuality came easy to me, because I was already weak.

My mom died when I was 19. My father had died when I was 13. At an early age, I was already confused about who I was and how I felt about others.

My confusion about "desire" and the fact that I noticed I was "attracted" to guys made me put myself into the "gay" category at age 14. At age 20, I came out as gay to everybody else around me.

At age 22, I became an editor of the first magazine aimed at a young, gay male audience. It bordered on pornography in its photographic content, but I figured I could use it as a platform to bigger and better things.

Sure enough, Young Gay America came around. It was meant to fill the void that the other magazine I'd worked for had created – namely, anything not-so-pornographic, aimed at the population of young, gay Americans. Young Gay America took off.

Gay people responded happily to Young Gay America. It received awards, recognition, respectability and great honors, including the National Role Model Award from major gay organization Equality Forum – which was given to Canadian Prime Minister Jean Chrétien a year later – and a whole host of appearances in the media, from PBS to the Seattle Times, from MSNBC to the cover story in Time magazine.

I produced, with the help of PBS-affiliates and Equality Forum, the first major documentary film to tackle gay teen suicide, "Jim In Bold," which toured the world and received numerous "best in festival" awards.

Young Gay America created a photo exhibit, full of photographs and stories of gay youth all across the North American continent, which toured Europe, Canada and parts of the United States.

Young Gay America launched YGA Magazine in 2004, to pretend to provide a "virtuous counterpart" to the other newsstand media aimed at gay youth. I say "pretend" because the truth was, YGA was as damaging as anything else out there, just not overtly pornographic, so it was more "respected."

It took me almost 16 years to discover that homosexuality itself is not exactly "virtuous." It was difficult for me to clarify my feelings on the issue, given that my life was so caught up in it.

Homosexuality, delivered to young minds, is by its very nature pornographic. It destroys impressionable minds and confuses their developing sexuality; I did not realize this, however, until I was 30 years old.

YGA Magazine sold out of its first issue in several North American cities. There was extreme support, by all sides, for YGA Magazine; schools, parent groups, libraries, governmental associations, everyone seemed to want it. It tapped right into the zeitgeist of "accepting and promoting" homosexuality, and I was considered a leader. I was asked to speak on the prestigious JFK Jr. Forum at Harvard's Kennedy School of Government in 2005.

It was, after viewing my words on a videotape of that "performance," that I began to seriously doubt what I was doing with my life and influence.

Knowing no one who I could approach with my questions and my doubts, I turned to God; I'd developed a growing relationship with God, thanks to a debilitating bout with intestinal cramps caused by the upset stomach-inducing behaviors I'd been engaged in.

Soon, I began to understand things I'd never known could possibly be real, such as the fact that I was leading a movement of sin and corruption – which is not to sound as though my discovery was based on dogma, because decidedly it was not.

I came to the conclusions on my own.

It became clear to me, as I really thought about it – and really prayed about it – that homosexuality prevents us from finding our true self within. We cannot see the truth when we're blinded by homosexuality.

We believe, under the influence of homosexuality, that lust is not just acceptable, but a virtue. But there is no homosexual "desire" that is apart from lust.

In denial of this fact, I'd fought to erase such truth at all costs, and participated in the various popular ways of taking responsibility out of human hands for challenging the temptations of lust and other behaviors. I was sure – thanks to culture and world leaders – that I was doing the right thing.

Driven to look for truth, because nothing felt right, I looked within. Jesus Christ repeatedly advises us not to trust anybody other than Him. I did what He said, knowing that the Kingdom of God does reside in the heart and mind of every man.

What I discovered – what I learned – about homosexuality was amazing. How I'd first "discovered" homosexual desires back in high school was by noticing that I looked at other guys. How I healed, when it became decidedly clear that I should – or risk hurting more people – is that I paid attention to myself.

Every time I was tempted to lust, I noticed it, caught it, dealt with it. I called it what it was, and then just let it disappear on its own. A huge and vital difference exists between superficial admiration – of yourself, or others – and integral admiration. In loving ourselves fully, we no longer need anything from the "outside" world of lustful desire, recognition from others, or physical satisfaction. Our drives become intrinsic to our very essence, unbridled by neurotic distractions.

Homosexuality allows us to avoid digging deeper, through superficiality and lust-inspired attractions – at least, as long as it remains "accepted" by law. As a result, countless miss out on their truest self, their God-given Christ-self.

Homosexuality, for me, began at age 13 and ended – once I "cut myself off" from outside influences and intensely focused on inner truth – when I discovered the depths of my God-given self at age 30.

God is regarded as an enemy by many in the grip of homosexuality or other lustful behavior, because He reminds them of who and what they truly are meant to be. People caught in the act would rather stay "blissfully ignorant" by silencing truth and those who speak it, through antagonism, condemnation and calling them words like "racist," "insensitive," "evil" and "discriminatory."

Healing from the wounds caused by homosexuality is not easy – there's little obvious support. What support remains is shamed, ridiculed, silenced by rhetoric or made illegal by twisting of laws. I had to sift through my own embarrassment and the disapproving "voices" of all I'd ever known to find it. Part of the homosexual agenda is getting people to stop considering that conversion is even a viable question to be asked, let alone whether or not it works.

In my experience, "coming out" from under the influence of the homosexual mindset was the most liberating, beautiful and astonishing thing I've ever experienced in my entire life.

Lust takes us out of our bodies, "attaching" our psyche onto someone else's physical form. That's why homosexual sex – and all other lust-based sex – is never satisfactory: It's a neurotic process rather than a natural, normal one. Normal is normal – and has been called normal for a reason.

Abnormal means "that which hurts us, hurts normal." Homosexuality takes us out of our normal state, of being perfectly united in all things, and divides us, causing us to forever pine for an outside physical object that we can never possess. Homosexual people – like all people – yearn for the mythical true love, which does actually exist. The problem with homosexuality is that true love only comes when we have nothing preventing us from letting it shine forth from within. We cannot fully be ourselves when our minds are trapped in a cycle and group-mentality of sanctioned, protected and celebrated lust.

God came to me when I was confused and lost, alone, afraid and upset. He told me – through prayer – that I had nothing at all to be afraid of, and that I was home; I just needed to do a little house cleaning in my mind.

I believe that all people, intrinsically, know the truth. I believe that is why Christianity scares people so much. It reminds them of their conscience, which we all possess.

Conscience tells us right from wrong and is a guide by which we can grow and become stronger and freer human beings. Healing from sin and ignorance is always possible, but the first thing anyone must do is get out of the mentalities that divide and conquer humanity.

Sexual truth can be found, provided we're all willing and driven to accept that our culture sanctions behaviors that harm life. Guilt should be no reason to avoid the difficult questions.

Homosexuality took almost 16 years of my life and compromised them with one lie or another, perpetuated through national media targeted at children. In European countries, homosexuality is considered so normal that grade-school children are being provided "gay" children's books as required reading in public schools.

Poland, a country all-too familiar with the destruction of its people by outside influences, is bravely attempting to stop the European Union from indoctrinating its children with homosexual propaganda. In response, the European Union has called the prime minister of Poland "repulsive."

I was repulsive for quite some time; I am still dealing with all of my guilt.

As a leader in the "gay rights" movement, I was given the opportunity to address the public many times. If I could take back some of the things I said, I would. Now I know that homosexuality is lust and pornography wrapped into one. I'll never let anybody try to convince me otherwise, no matter how slick their tongues or how sad their story. I have seen it. I know the truth.

God gave us truth for a reason. It exists so we could be ourselves. It exists so we could share that perfect self with the world, to make the perfect world. These are not fanciful schemes or strange ideals – these are the Truth.

Healing from the sins of the world will not happen in an instant; but, it will happen – if we don't pridefully block it. God wins in the end, in case you didn't know.

What Dreams May Be

I am a strong believer in the power of dreams-- the dreams you have between the sheets, when you're in that hazy indescribable state of sleep where your mind is processing the days gone by and playing them out like a Fellinni movie. I love remembering my dreams in the morning. I once read that one should slowly wake up, make no movement until you are alert then your dreams can be contained in you conscience mind.

I have had a few dreams in my lifetime when I sensed the presence of God speaking to me, helping me through a situation, causing me to understand and move through a decision more peacefully. I was reminded of one such dream today.

I am in the middle of a battle. It's a battle from long ago. No guns, planes, even canons. Bows and arrows are the weapons. I am standing by a shallow yet swiftly moving river. There is chaos all around me and suddenly an arrow pierces my shoulder. I fall to my knees. Just as suddenly an elderly Indian man is standing next to me and calmly tells me to fall back into the river. I question his sensibilities. If I fall into that river I will hit my head on the rocks and surely drown. "No," he says. "Trust - it is the only way to be healed." I wade out to the middle of the water and facing upstream I fall back - flat - right into the cool flow. Instead of hitting rock I am cushioned by the current and the water isn't icy. I feel carried, held up, buffeted by the movement for a purpose, for a reason. My sense of comfort and security is incredibly strong. I trust. My entire body is relaxed and healed.

I awake, no really awake, and continue in that sense of relaxation, comfort and security and in those few seconds before my eyelids open fully I am aware this is what God asks of me -- fall backwards into a shallow stream whose rocks are sharp. Trust Him to know this is the best course of action. He will carry me, heal me, replenish me.

5 Things I Dig, Love, Revere, Appreciate, Find Fascinating...About Jesus

I love Astronomy Picture of the Day (see my sidebar). Click there everyday and you'll see a new picture from something (nubulae, stars, gasses, planets, etc.) from space. It reminds me how small I am, How great God is, how creative He is and in His greatness and massive creativity how he bends toward earth and loves us.

There's another meme going around the blogosphere. This one is entitled "5 Things You Dig About Jesus". Now I love the idea of one sharing their personal understanding and relationship with Jesus Christ with the world but the use of the word "dig" set me off a bit. It lacks a certain sense of holiness and reverence. And yet in our English language "5 Things I Love About Jesus" doesn't convey the depth of gratitude I think "dig" is trying to communicate. So I'm playing along:

1. He's Creator of the vast universes and cares for me intimately
2. He knows the heart of every person and still loves us.
3. He sees me with His eyes and not mine.
4. He loves creativity - giving us so many different species, varieties (not just one flower, one fruit, one dog)
5. He is patient and wise and even in the midst of trials, His love and perfect plan are made real.

For Our Battle Is Not Against Flesh and Blood

There is a darkness in this world, an evil thats sole purpose is to maintain ignorance of the true nature and desires of the Creator and his love for his children. This evil desires the souls of these children for his own. Evil keeps blinders over their eyes in the guise of devotion and truth, when in reality it fills it's believer with hate and a false understanding of salvation.

This evil is real. It isn't metaphorical. It is exacting its purpose out daily, in the lives of million-millions who cling to it because they know nothing else. This evil wears the shroud of righteousness but underneath it is ugly, hideous. If seen for what it truly is these millions would turn screaming in the opposite direction, screaming for rescue.

Pray.

I hate my sin and cling to His kindness leading to repentence

I hate asking for help. I hate it so much that it's become an albatross around my neck. It hinders me from receiving from others. It hinders me from serving others. It hinders me from living under grace. It turns me into a faux-martyr. It makes me angry at others. It isolates me from fellowship.

While Dave and I were working with a mission-mobilization ministry we were on financial support. I hated it. I hated to ask people to support us. I hated it when our paycheck was severely low and we had to turn to family for help. I hated sending out prayer/newsletters every other month.

Now we work at a church. Dave is the pastor but I have several (self-imposed) responsibilities. These duties have grown through the five years we've been here. And I still hate asking others to help me. I enjoy serving in the church. To me it's not an obligation (because I am the "Pastor's Wife"), but rather it is because I see a need and see where our church's ministry should be and make myself available.

Last week was our annual Mother-Daughter Banquet. My women's Bible study has taken on this task for the past 4 years, due to my asking. Unfortunately, due to circumstances beyond many's control, our Bible study fell apart this year. So...I took on the banquet. And nearly drowned. The Sunday prior to the banquet the Holy Spirit socked me in between the eyes with my sin. Yep, a sin for not asking for help.

I've confessed, fessed up to Dave and some women. I don't know why I am drawn to not asking for help. Pride? Fear? Pride? The conclusion I have come to thus far is I hate confronting, either with conflict or presenting my needs. It seems more convenient to me to do it myself, that way I am not burdening anyone. So I suppose there is both fear and pride involved. The Tuesday after the banquet the kids and I were reading 1 John 4. Wow -

There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love (vs. 18)

Since I've repented of this life-long vice I am now consciously working on rooting it out further. One manifestation of this is the car. For years, probably since Dave and I have been married, I have been the one in the driver's seat, literally. I relish the control. Dave, not wanting to fight that battle, moves to the passenger seat. Probably in his wisdom he knew I would relinquish sooner or later. He just had to wait me out. So, I'm switching seats. I am calmly sitting in the passenger seat, giving him the keys and letting him drive, his own style, his own method. Literally and figuratively, I feel like I am finally giving up on control - control that wasn't good, that alienated intimacy and built a brick wall between me and the ones I love.

Several years ago Dave and I took dance lessons (just one night's worth). I was no good. Why? I wouldn't let him lead. Now I wish our small town of Sparta had a ballroom dance instructor because I think that exercise would help further establish intimacy and release me from the slavery of needing to be in control.

In all this I feel remarkably calm and right. So often I knew there was a wrong in my life, the control and the pride. And so often I swept it under the carpet and refused to deal with it - it wasn't a huge issue (or so I justified), but there have been prayers on my part and God, in his infinite wisdom, kindness and mercy, brought me to the point of accepting and repenting of this sin. So I am rejoicing. Rejoicing that I lean upon my Father who wants me to be better, a better follower of his, a better wife, a better mother, a better sister, a better friend. He hasn't left me to wallow in self-pity, anger, pride, or fear. In His gentleness He has planted in me a desire to move away from those things and move more into His likeness.

I Will Not Let You Go Unless You Bless Me!

I watched a remarkable video this morning. It was from the church service at the Chrystal Cathedral last week. Evel Kneivel gave his story of coming to Jesus. It was extremely moving and powerful. Here is a man who had millions, women, fame, cars, airplanes, ego. Nothing satisfied. Nothing was enough. He always believed in a higher power but never accepted Jesus as the Son of God sent to redeem his relationship with that higher power. Not until very recently, and now he wants to speak about it. He is shouting from the mountain tops how good it is to be in right relationship with his maker. After all was said, Evel asked Pastor Schuller to baptize him. And so he did. But something happened. Others in the congregation wanted the same relationship, the same peace, the same contentment, the same baptism. So an "altar call" was given and hundreds were baptized. The last woman was sprinkled. There was no one else in line. Pastor Schuller was turning around to move on to the next thing on the schedule when from the back of the church a man came running up the aisle. I don't know what was in his heart that caused him to hesitate in coming up with the crowd, but the Holy Spirit must have been pushing him because he ran, making sure the next thing didn't begin until he was baptized. Pastor turned and baptized him, in full view.

Now what struck me with this man was that he ran up to the altar to be baptized after the hundreds before him left. I am so much an introvert I would want to be mixed in with the crowd, not pointed out. I don't think this man was wanting to stand out. I think the Spirit urged him forward and his self held back until the last possible moment. But in that moment, while he was running, you saw his hunger, his desire was to declare his new relationship and seal it with baptism.

Jacob stayed hungry. Jacob ran to have a relationship with God. He stole his brother's inheritance. He deceived his father, fooled his brother and wrestled with God. Jacob would not let the "man" go until he received his blessing (Genesis 32:26).

I often think about Jacob and his hunger for God - lying, deceiving, wrestling. I'm passive and sated. I am so full with church, Bible studies, ministry that I have little hunger and thirst to run after His blessing. It is something I think the church in the U.S. is lacking. we have so much we don't understand what it means to desire God to the point of wrestling Him to gain his blessing. Maybe I'm just speaking for myself.

Planks vs Specks

I've been hearing a lot about hypocrites lately. They're all over the news: Ted (practice what you preach) Haggard, Al (no racist remarks here) Sharpton , Al (don't look at how much energy I spend, look at what I'm doing to save the planet!) Gore . You can't go too far on the street without coming face to face with a hypocrite. You can't get too far out the front door! Every morning when brushing my teeth I come in direct, immediate contact. Being hypocritical is who we are, it is the daily struggle between who we are and who we want to be. There is no greater example in my life of how hypocritical I am than parenting. I remember sitting on the couch with the kids one night and watching a movie-family-oriented, very moving. Ahh! family..."Aidan would you quit moving up and down and Emma get out of the way!" WHAT! Am I not watching a family loving one another and here I am yelling at my kids because they're invading MY space! Hypocrite!
And I'll say it loud, "I am a hypocrite, but I'm in good company!"

Hebrews 11:7
By Faith Noah, when warned about things not yet seen, in holy fear built an ark to save his family...
Genesis 9:20
Noah, a man of the soil, proceeded to plant a vineyard. When he drank some of its wine, he became drunk and lay uncovered inside his tent.

Hebrews 11:89
By faith he [Abraham] made his home in the promised land like a stranger in a foreign country.
Genesis 12:10-11
Now there was a famine in the land, and Abrahm went down to Egypt to live there for a while because the famine was sever. As he was about to enter Egypt, he said to his wife Sarai, "I know what a beautiful woman you are. When the Egyptians see you, they will say, 'This is his wife.' Then they will kill me but will let you lave. Say you are my sister, so that I will be treated well for your sake and my life will be spared because of you."

Hebrews 11:21
By faith Jacob, when he was dying, blessed each of Joseph's sons, and worshiped as he leaned on the top of his staff.
Genesis 25:29
Once when Jacob was cooking some stew, Esau came in from the open country, famished. he said to Jacob, "Quick, let me have some of that red stew! I am famished!" Jacob replied, "First sell me your birthright."

Hebrews 11:29
By faith the people passed through the red Seas as on dry land
Exodus 16:2
In the desert the whole community grumbled against Moses and Aaron. The Israelites said to them, "If only we had died by the LORD's hand in Egypt!"

WOW! For every noble act by these Old Testament characters there are a multitude of deceits, lies, grumblings, connivings, schemes, plots, etc. YET, Hebrews records their faith. It seems in the midst of our humanness, when we turn our wills over to His will the Blood of Christ is what is remembered, what is seen.

That's what life's journey is about - reconciling who we want to be with who we were. A favorite movie line of mine comes from Disney's Lion King. Simba has run away from his tribe. He is confronted by Rafiki to remember his heritage, that he is royalty, the rightful heir. The spirit of his father, Mufasa then addresses him, reminding him to remember who he is, that he is not yet who he is to become.

George MacDonald, in the Princess and the Goblin opens his story with my favorite introduction:

There was once a little princess who -
"But, Mr. Author, why do you always write about princesses?"
"Because every little girl is a princess."
"You will make them vain if you tell them that."
"Not if they understand what I mean."
"Then what do you mean?"
"What do you mean by a princess?"
"The daughter of a king."
"Very well, then every little girl is a princess, and there wold be no need to say anything about it, except that she is always in danger of forgetting her rank, and behaving as if she had grown out of the mud. I have seen little princesses behave like the children of thieves and lying beggars, and that is why they need to be told they are princesses. And that is why, when I tell a story of this kind, I like to tell it about a princess. Then I can say better what I mean, because I can then give her every beautiful thing I want her to have."
"Please go on."

So I may doubt God's provision in my life when I'm finished typing this blog, doubting His personal love for me. I may yell impatiently at various members of my family, nagging them to clean up. I may mutter a few choice words to the driver who just cut me off. But that doesn't take away from who I am in Christ. Now, my life's journey is to see that old, reprobate self fade from the mirror and my new self - a princess if you will, daughter of the King - in it's place.

"Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plan in you own eye? How can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,'when all the time there is a plant in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye." (Matthew 7:3-5)

These words of Jesus cause me to stop before speaking of someone else's faults, discrepancies. AND YET He reminds us to not neglect the brother's speck - deal with yourself so you can show your brother his speck. What a call to community! There's a lot of bravado involved in pointing out another's specks but it's what Jesus asks of us.

In the Twinkling of an Eye

The blossoms are off the trees. My tulips have bent over. The forsythia's are now bushes of green along with my lilac. It seemed the redbuds popped and pooped over thesame weekend.
Why does nature produce such beauties for such a short period of time? Why do the flowers blossom and then there's a freeze or a wind and then for 4-5 months we have bushes of green?
Oh, I know, I should appreciate the varied shades of emerald all around me, the textures, the smells. But I miss the purples, creams, pinks, yellows of early Spring.

A few Springs ago while I, one Saturday morning, looked out the kitchen window to be greeted with the blossoms, and then again the following Thursday, the blossoms were gone, I commented to Dave that the buds which disappear so quickly remind me of our days compared to eternity. We feel like we sludge through life but when compared to life everlasting, our lives are so brief.

Men and women don't live very long;
like wildflowers they spring up and blossom,
But a storm snuffs them out just as quickly,
leaving nothing to show they were here.
GOD's love, though, is ever and always,
eternally present to all who fear him,
Making everything right for them and their children
as they follow his Covenant ways
and remember to do whatever he said. Psalm 103: 15-18 (the Message)

Such words from the Psalmist, and examples from nature "should" remind us to number our days and not twiddle them away. I say should because in the midst of diapers being changed, furniture dusted, oatmeal scrapped off the floor and pancakes flipped I lose sight of eternity. Hmmm, is that why the Creator designed the redbud's blossoms to fade so quickly.

My Favorite Bible Story: Prevenience

My favorite Bible story has got to be Joseph. But it's only my favorite because I know the complete story-beginning, middle and, especially, the end. A few years ago the kids and I saw the movie Holes. I struggled through it because it made me so mad that the main character was wrongly accused and thrown into this vile juvenile camp that was so void of justice. (Can you tell I prefer stories that have a clear black/white, right/wrong morality tale?) But it was not until the very end that I saw how all the bad that happened was ultimately for the good. And that's the story of Joseph.

And now, do not be distressed and do not be angry with yourselves for selling me here, because it was to save lives that God sent me ahead of you. For two years now there has been famine in the land, and for the next five years there will not be plowing and reaping. But God sent me ahead of you to preserve for you a remnant on earth and to save your live by a great deliverance. So then, it was not you who sent me here, but God. (Genesis 45:5-8)

God, in his infinite wisdom allowed Joseph to be proud and arrogant, allowed Jacob to lavish adoration on him, allowed his brothers to boil in jealousy and allowed them to sell him into slavery. Injustice was part of God's plan. (I know this opens up a can of worms to be discussed at a later time but stick with me here.) He was in control the entire time.

While Dave and I were at Caleb Project we would often go through an exercise looking at the prevenience of God - how has He gone before us, seeing how He has worked in our history. It's a fascinating way of writing the Joseph story into your own life. Prevenience is the conviction that God has been working diligently, redemptively, and strategically before I appeared on the scene, before I was aware there was something here for me to do (Eugene Peterson, the Contemplative Pastor).

Now this can get to be a bit narcissistic - looking at history to see how it all leads up to....ME! No, look at God's grace, mercy, strength, sovereignty in your history - focusing on His hand.

Looking through the Old Testament we can see the fingerprint of Christ so clearly, pointing to Jesus, the Messiah. But if I was there at Calvary would it be so clear. We live in an amazing time when scripture can be read, studied, devoured so freely. We live when we can see the beginning, middle and hints of the end. We call Friday GOOD because we know Sunday is there, assured.

It's mindbending to contemplate that Jesus knew his story (knows) and continued in the direction he was called to.

Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith,
who for the joy set before him endured the cross,
scorning its shame,
and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.
Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men,
so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.

It's mindbending and comforting that the Creator, our Redeemer is writing our stories, my story, your story for our good and His glory. We see so dimly what reality is and what history will write.
Later on in Hebrews the author reminds us that God is for us, in the midst of our story:

In this all-out match against sin, others have suffered far worse than you, to say nothing of what Jesus went through—all that bloodshed! So don't feel sorry for yourselves. Or have you forgotten how good parents treat children, and that God regards you as his children? My dear child, don't shrug off God's discipline, but don't be crushed by it either. It's the child he loves that he disciplines; the child he embraces, he also corrects.God is educating you; that's why you must never drop out. He's treating you as dear children. This trouble you're in isn't punishment; it's training, the normal experience of children. Only irresponsible parents leave children to fend for themselves. Would you prefer an irresponsible God? We respect our own parents for training and not spoiling us, so why not embrace God's training so we can truly live? While we were children, our parents did what seemed best to them. But God is doing what is best for us, training us to live God's holy best. At the time, discipline isn't much fun. It always feels like it's going against the grain. Later, of course, it pays off handsomely, for it's the well-trained who find themselves mature in their relationship with God.

Quiet times

Quiet times --- the words elicit guilt in me. Guilt, condemnation...hmmm, somewhere I've heard there is no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus. Now I know I am in Christ Jesus so where is this condemnation coming from? What have I been taught for 30 some-odd years that continually strikes fear in my being?

You know what quiet times are--getting away for reading of scripture, journaling and prayer. It's a time of solitude. It's a time of one-on-one with God. And I have never enjoyed it. Wow. That felt good to get off my chest. I'm going to say it again -- I have never enjoyed the concept of "quiet time."

Why? Because I never: 1) could find the time (especially now, 4 kids, homeschooling - but I don't want to make this a list of excuses); 2) I always struggled with keeping my mind quiet so I could "hear" God; 3) I always wondered - well what do I do, what do I read, what should I write.

Now don't get me wrong, I believe many, many people delight and depend on their quiet times. Scripture, especially the Psalms, record the delight of meditating the laws of the Lord. I do not want to disregard anyones habit. And when I was single I would regularly journal scripture and prayers (they are packed away in boxes in my basement).

Yet, for me (hear that strongly please), quiet times have always been a struggle I think because it's something I've been told I should have/do.

Holly at seekingfaithful.wordpress.com has a excellent post on communion in chaos. She notes (with much agreement from this blogger)

I have often read devotional books that speak of “stealing away” for times of extended devotions, and I know immediately that the author is a man…usually a man with grown children. Either that or a severely sleep deprived woman. But it seems to me that most books on the spiritual discipline of meditating on the Words of Christ are written by seminary professors. And I am pretty sure that they are men who sit in somber, dusty, cloistered…quiet….attic rooms. Time is their luxury, their commodity. No teething infants, nor screaming tots, no feet sticking to the jelly in those quiet rooms.

Today my time with God is throughout the day, often when I close the bathroom. I read scripture with my kids. We go through the lectionary. I ask them questions, they ask me questions. I stop mid-sentence through Romans and say, "Do you think God wants you to keep sinning so you will know how much God loves you because he will keep forgiving you?" I like this kind of "quiet time". My mind and spirit feed off of my kids questions. And for some odd reason my spirit loves to read scripture aloud - to another, with intonation, voices, drama. Somewhere in my mind I think the way I've been taught

When the kids leave home I'm sure the form of my "quiet time" will change. Yet it's comforting to know God is not limited to the form/method taken to deepen/maintain our relationship.

P.S. There's a great post over at KruseKronicles which is a reprint of an article by Harold Kurtz-A Missionary on the Equality of the Sexes
(www.krusekronicle.typepad.com)

Continuing with Lent

We're in week three of Lent. How are you doing? What are you doing?
Our family is still using Hillbilly Housewife (www.hillbillyhousewife.com) $45/week menu. Lots of beans and some in the family are tired of it -- IAN! Last night was tuna-noodle casserole. He said it looks disgusting. You'd think I'd spoiled him with rib-eye steaks, roasted vegetables and tart tatins every night.

I do love commemorating these days, like Lent and Advent. But it seems there is a plethora of resources for celebrating Advent but very few for Lent. Lent can be an austere time, and hence the lack of "celebrating" it. We are preparing first to remember the sacrifice that Jesus made, and then the resurrection.

The kids and I are reading the lectionary and praying through the Divine Hours. Reminds me of our days at St. John's in Vancouver.

But there are no Lent calendars, wreaths, visual count-downs for the season. Or are there? Do you know of any family-friendly ways to remember Lent? Or is Lent even a significant season for you?

When will and desire kiss

When someone can get their will and desire to agree will you tell me how they did it?

I have such a strong desire to be disciplined and self-controlled. My children truly desire to be obedient. I REALLY want to love unselfishly.

But those desires are gone when the will takes over and says, You deserve it, go ahead, no one else will care about you!

Lent, if anything else, brings my sinful-self into full view. Hey, ain't that what the law is supposed to do? Sunday I was all ready to begin the Lenten season, armed, equipped with desire to purge the flesh of selfish wants, focusing only on needs, thinking of the world, how much we have vs. have much they don't have.

This is so stupid, it's embarrassing to bring up. But I will anyway. Last night, as I was putting the dishes away, I noticed the 3 ferrero rocher candies left from Valentines. HMMM! Chocolate hazelnut....HMMMM! But it's Ash Wednesday. The beginning of Lent. What a weak person I am if I can't even control my gluttony for 24 hours! HMMM! No, I slammed the cupboard and said, No! I walked away and prayed God, help my weakness because it is sooo strong.

And that's what fasting, sacrificing (even in that trivial moment over chocolate) is for? Leaning on him for all strength. That is what Lent is for, and just Advents does, creating in me a yearning, a groaning and craving for the world to come - anticipating His return and all the burden released.

So it's only Thursday.... The kids and I are going through the lectionary for Bible Study and using the Divine Hours for prayer. It feels a little stiff, haven't got the rhythm down yet but reading through Old Testament, Psalms, Gospels and Epistles is rich and meaty.

Joel 2:1-3,

Blow the ram's horn trumpet in Zion!

Trumpet the alarm on my holy mountain!

Shake the country up!

God's Judgment's on its way—the Day's almost here! A black day! A Doomsday!

Clouds with no silver lining! Like dawn light moving over the mountains,

a huge army is coming. There's never been anything like it and never will be again.

Wildfire burns everything before this army and fire licks up everything in its wake.Before it arrives, the country is like the Garden of Eden.

When it leaves, it is Death Valley. Nothing escapes unscathed.

Joel 2:12-17

But there's also this, it's not too late—God's personal Message!—"Come back to me and really mean it! Come fasting and weeping, sorry for your sins!"

Change your life, not just your clothes. Come back to God, your God.

And here's why: God is kind and merciful. He takes a deep breath, puts up with a lot,

This most patient God, extravagant in love, always ready to cancel catastrophe.

Who knows? Maybe he'll do it now, maybe he'll turn around and show pity.

Maybe, when all's said and done, there'll be blessings full and robust for your God!
Blow the ram's horn trumpet in Zion! Declare a day of repentance, a holy fast day.

Call a public meeting. Get everyone there. Consecrate the congregation.

Make sure the elders come, but bring in the children, too, even the nursing babies,

Even men and women on their honeymoon—interrupt them and get them there.

Between Sanctuary entrance and altar, let the priests, God's servants, weep tears of repentance.

Let them intercede: "Have mercy, God, on your people! Don't abandon your heritage to contempt.

Don't let the pagans take over and rule them and sneer, 'And so where is this God of theirs?'"

Tired of the whole "missional" thing

Okay, you saw on my last post -- how I'm accessing the internet more during school hours, since the laptop is right next to me on the kitchen table. Well, I've been surfing ALOT on other blogs, mostly through links of blogs Dave knows. There's a LOT of chatter out there about "becoming missional" and "emergent churches".
I'm very leary and weary of movements that need to make-up words so they sound more attractive and, well, new. When you use the word "missional" to the average jo in the pew, or even out of the pew, they think "huh?" The use of these new, made-up words sets up boundaries and boundaries have always made me uncomfortable. There's an attitude of "I'm in the in-crowd and you're not". And I also wonder...is there really anything new in these movements, ala ecclesiastes.
I just had to voice this frustration as I just finished surfing for the night and had to say something to someone.
Any opinions??

Superbowl Theology

I'm not a huge football fan. I'll watch the superbowl, only because it's a party at our church and I love the commercials. I've caught the last 5 minutes of a game here or there, whenever my son of 15 was watching. I used to watch the game -- when Fran Tarkenton and Franco Harris and Terry Bradshaw were playing. So that dates me.
I was watching the playoffs yesterday (because Ian was) and at the trophy presentation for the Colts the owner and coach both gave glory to God and honor to him. They were ecstatic, as was the entire stadium. The visiting team, the Patriots, was interviewed in silence and misery. The Colts thanked God for being with them. What about the Patriots? Was God not with them? Could they not give glory to God for their loss?
I tear up a bit whenever I hear a famous person thank God (with humility and sincerity) for their accomplishments. I did last night. But it also got me thinking about God in our losses, our defeats.
I know God wasn't rooting for the Colts and booing the Patriots. I know God is aware of every hair on our head, but does He really care about who plays in the Superbowl?
Here in southern Illinois we've had extensive news coverage over the 2 missing boys who have been found - one missing for 4 1/2 years, the other just a few days. They were kidnapped. I see alot of correlation between the Colts coach's exultation and the family who thanked God for finding their son, who was only missing for a few days. What about the boy (Shawn Hornbeck) who was missing for over 4 years? What about the Patriots?
I can't help thinking of the survivor of an accident versus the victim when someone thanks God. I'm struggling with the rightness of thanking God in the midst of defeat and sorrow vs. thanking God in victory and survival Paul admonishes us to be thankful in all circumstances. So if I were rooting for the Patriots I should say, "Thank God they didn't win, it isn't God's will." Or if I was more intimately acquainted with Shawn Hornbeck I should say, "Thank God he stayed alive and is found after 4 years of captivity." But even if he wasn't found alive, what should I say, what if his body was discovered, according to Paul I should thank God? But that, honestly, is not my first thought. I want to question God, is fairness, justice, love and compassion.
BUT...he is creator of the universe, omnipotent, omnipresent, and I have a perspective that is limited by time and my own experience. But I still question and I believe that's what God wants--us always in conversation with Him, searching for his truth and understanding.

Looking forward to that glorious feast!

Food is an amazing thing. I was watching Iron Chef America the other night and they were cooking with peas. It struck me how many foods are out there and how many ways they can be cooked. Last year for homeschooling we studied George Washington Carver. As a honor and to glorify God Carver searched for the many uses of the peanut. He found thousands, just by focusing all his attention, energy, talent and focus on the tiny, seemingly insignifcant peanut.
But isn't that how God is? He's planted, in the seemingly insignificant, magnificence.
I love food, and it shows. I think of food combinations and plan menus while daydreaming. I turn to the food network whenever I can and I dream of a holiday in Italy, attending cooking school after cooking school up and down the boot.
Yesterday I "invented" a new bread recipe. I'm calling it "real coffee cake". It's basically a sweet bread made with coffee and filled with nutella. It was a hit and if I do say so myself, might good.
Today was a different day. Inspired by a commercial I wanted to make crab cakes. Well, crab is not available in little ole Sparta but mock crab is! I pulled out a recipe from Emeril Lagasse. Instead of the triumphant, self-satisfied mood of yesterday I found myself getting more and more irritated (yelling at the kids, biting Dave's head off). The recipe wasn't working. My crab cakes became crap cakes. I told Dave to order pizza. Well, loving husband that he is, Dave reminded me that even Babe Ruth didn't bat 1000 every time.
Yet, I am still in awe of God's creativeness. He could have given us basic food (like the stuff they eat in Zion in the Matrix, ugh!). But NO!
And every culture uses each food uniquely. How many ways can you cook apples. Think of it...put them in oatmeal, eat them raw with peanut butter, stuff them in pork tenderloin, and apple pie (how many ways are there to make apple pie!). And then again...think how many types of apples there are. Again, God keeps giving more and more of his creative deliciousness.
One of my most favorite passages is Isaiah 25:6
On this mountain the LORD Almighty will prepare a feast of rich foods for all peoples,
a banquet of aged wine- the best of meats and the finest wines.
Oh, what a glorious day to look forward to. I'm sure there will be no crap cakes!

Baffled

Baffled, I've been feeling quite baffled lately. Oxford Dictionary defines baffle as: to make someone feel puzzled; a device for controlling or stopping the flow of gas, sound, light or fluid. (How those 2 definitions go together, I don't know).

Earlier this week I was baffled when I heard what Rosie O'Donnell said on the View - that radical christians in America were just as dangerous as Islamic jihadist. Huh?
Doesn't take too much of the brain to think through the idiocy of that statement.

Second bafflement. I was cruising some bloggers and came across a snippet of a speech given by a lady from the Voices of Sophia - a presbyterian "fringe" group.

"One of the great controversies to emerge from Re-Imagining was our rejection of the atonement, the idea that the torture and execution of Jesus Christ saved the world. My theological career has been spent dismantling that doctrine. I want to tell you today that I am convinced that atonement theology is the deepest betrayal of Christianity ever perpetrated. It is not just one way to understand salvation, but a betrayal of salvation, a doctrine that abandoned the life and ministry of Jesus Christ for loyalty to Caesar and his legions."

Huh? What's the point in following Christ if his sacrifice wasn't real-that what he did (or didn't do)didn't really bring us in closer relationship with the Creator of the Universe, didn't take away the sin which brings death? I can only conclude that she (the speaker) cannot fathom a god who would sacrifice his son to someone who hates him, rejects him, so she must reject that concept. I know I wouldn't be able to do such a thing with my children. But really that's putting God in a neat little box to fit our own understanding. God is WAY beyond our understanding. And thank God! In Islam Jesus was taken down from the cross so he didn't die because they reject the idea of God allowing such a crime (they also reject that Jesus is God's son, he was only a good prophet).

God is not to be trifled with and not to be edited to fit our liking. He is the Creator of all things. He is capable of what we cannot imagine (or re-imagine). He has plans that are perfect, beyond our understanding that we will see and then stand in awe of his perfection. We will have an A-H-A moment when we see how his plans will play out.

Yeah, I know this all sounds super-spiritual but today, after hearing such baffling statements, I had to lean on God's ways, which are so much brighter, higher, more perfect than ours.

joie de vivre

I am convinced one reason God has given us the gift of parenthood is so we can see the joy in children and return us to that life of simplicity. Liam is our youngest. He turned 2 in May. I remember when he first smiled and laughed. It was from the gut, deep, meaningful, full. He puts his everything into everything he does, whether it's grasping a spoon and shoveling cheerios into his mouth or building a tower with his mega-blocks.
Dave would tell you his highlight of the day is when he comes into the house and Liam runs to the door yelling, "DAAADDDY!" with the biggest grin and arms wide open. Liam's joy is seeing his family.
It is because of my children I understand why Jesus said, unless we become as little children we will not inherit the kingdom of God. Little children embrace life, they embrace you, they love unconditionally and expectantly. When Liam cries he expects to be comforted. When he's hungry, hurt, or has a poopy diaper, he knows he will be taken care of. He reaches out his arms fully knowing there will be arms picking him up. [I know this is not the case for many children in this world. That is a whole other issue to blog about.]
If I looked to my Father as Liam looks to me and Dave, how much richer our relationship would be. I want to expect to receive from God simply because He's my Father. Liam doesn't expect to work for love or food or protection. It's there for him simply because of who he is.
Liam, and Ian and Emma and Aidan are the greatest blessings. They are constant reminders of God's abundant and overflowing love that I must return to. Getting it through my thick skull, that will take a lifetime. And they will grow up, marry, have families of their own and learn this lesson. What a wonderful thing! The lessons of God's love never die. They continue with each generation.