Retreat

I was a woman on a mission. I had a job to do and the foresight to set a goal of accomplishing it a day ahead of schedule. I gathered my supplies. I headed out the door. Walked a few paces to my destination and pulled the handle...the door was locked. My mission was thwarted. I couldn't carry out my plan. I would either A) have to find a key and carry on as planned or B) reschedule until another time, giving up my grand endeavor of being ahead of myself.

I chose C) retreat...retreat far into oblivion because I really didn't want to see the task accomplished. I was feeling isolated, abused and unappreciated. So I did what any self-respecting, mature pastor's wife would do: brewed a pot of tea, found my hidden stash of chocolate truffles, turned on the computer, and watched 4 episodes from season 2 of Ballykissangel on Netflix.

Instantly I was transported to the fictionalized world of Niamh and Assumpta, Father Peter and Brian Quigley. I sat there for 4 hours! entralled by the brogue, green and lush landscapes, pubs, and pints. My escape. I am still a bit woozy from my trip. And I have this incredible urge to scour my house clean since Nora and Niamh were competing for the same and their attention to detail put me to shame.

How do you escape?

Just another fun quiz to take...or another distraction for the next 30 minutes...

You are a Designer

As a DESIGNER, you are receptive to ideas and experiences, and enjoy the beautiful things in life, yet you are also grounded and realistic about yourself and the world.

You have a quiet appreciation for beauty in all its forms – in nature, in people, and in human creations from architecture to movies.

Instead of only focusing on functionality, you try to incorporate your good sense of style and taste into your choices.

At times you feel unsure of yourself, especially when confronted by other people.

You aren't the kind of person who insists on having things your way all the time – you are willing to go along with other people's opinions, even if you disagree.

Others may not know this about you, but you are very interested in new ideas, thoughts, expressions, and experiences. You enjoy learning and trying new things.

Although you are practical, you are anything but boring – you have depths to you that others cannot see.

The idea of doing the same thing every day for the rest of your life scares you – you need more excitement and challenge than that!

You have a remarkable eye for detail and precision, noticing things that others miss.

Your independent streak allows you to make decisions efficiently and to trust your instincts

You're not afraid to let your emotions guide you, and you're generally considerate of others' feelings as well.

You prefer to have time to plan for things, feeling better with a schedule than with keeping plans up in the air until the last minute.

You have a strong sense of style and value your personal presentation - friends may even seek your style advice from time to time.

Generally, you believe that you control your life, and that external forces only play a limited role in determining what happens to you.
If you want to be different:

Have faith in your ideas, and voice them more often. Your unique perspective needs to be shared!

Allow yourself to become fully immersed in your dreams now and then. You can develop your aesthetic vision even further by allowing your imagination to flourish.

Be as open to your own wishes as you are to those of others.

HOW YOU RELATE TO OTHERS
You are Considerate

You trust others, care about them, and are slow to judge them, making you CONSIDERATE.

You value your close relationships very much, and are more likely to spend time in small, tightly-knit groups of friends than in large crowds.

You enjoy exploring the world through observation, quietly watching others.

Relating to others so well, and understanding their emotions, leads you to trust people in general, even though you're somewhat shy and reserved at times.

Your belief that people are generally well-intentioned contributes to your sympathy regarding their problems.

Although you may not vocalize it often, you have an awareness of how society affects individuals, and you understand complex causes of people's behavior.

You like to look at all sides of a situation before making a judgment, particularly when that situation involves important things in other people's lives.

Your close friends know you as a good listener.
If you want to be different:

Because other people would benefit immensely from your understanding and insight, you should try to be more outgoing in social situations, even when they make you uncomfortable. Others will want to hear what you have to say!


NOW...you take test yourself here.

Well, that was embarrassing...

It was my birthday yesterday. My day to do whatever I wanted. I wanted to post a blog about the things in life that bug me. I wanted to have my rant. Let off a little steam because it was my birthday and everyone is supposed to let you have your way on your birthday.

And then...

My lunk of a husband writes such nonsense about me. I love him. And I'll reveal more about him on August 12th when we celebrate 18 years of wedded bliss together.

But back to my rant...
Things that irritate me
1) the Mastercard commercial. You know the one where people are purchasing items-coffee, newspapers, plants, food-and using their Mastercard debit card. Then a man pulls out cash and everyone glares at him like, "How dare you upset the balance of Mastercard's power by putting down cold=-hard cash!" It's right up there with the Sure commercial (raise your hand if your sure - it had everyone second guessing if they could raise their hand) and Desenex (if you're caught scratching your head people might think you have... dandruff!) and worst of all the Bounty commercials (kid spills a gallon a grape juice and mom smiles adoringly at how cute son is)

2) People who compare George Bush to Hitler. Come on! Do they know their history? DO they understand the atrocities Hitler committed, gleefully? You may not agree with decisions Bush has made but he is no Hitler or Stalin or Hussein. Let's get real and honest. And on the same note...

3) People who believe socialism/communism has it's merits and is a doable form of government. Were they born after 1989 - when the Berlin wall fell? Did they not read Solzhenytsin and his horror stories of the Gulag? Communism fell because it is faulty and sinful. Live with it and rejoice that you live in a country where you can critique your leaders and not be thrown into a prison pit for the rest of your life!

4) Walmart. Do I need to explain myself here. I don't think so.

5) Weeds. They grow faster and thicker than the seeds I plant. They grow within hours of being pulled and in the beginning of their decrepit lives they disguise themselves to look like plants you want in your garden. So you don't pull them. And then they've taken root so deep it'll take a jackhammer to remove them.

6) Progressives in our denomination who want to remove creeds, doctrines and scripture to suit their own made-up religion. I liken them to people in #3. We have folks in our midst who want to change what Jesus said about being the way, the truth and the life. They want to say there is no resurrection and Jesus' body is buried somewhere in Palestine. They want to say the Bible is a metaphor and in no way should we consider the events actual - especially the ones we cannot explain scientifically. They want to twist the understanding of marriage to mean any two people who have feelings for each other can marry - regardless of sex and God okays this because he (or she) is loving and only wants you to be happy! I say to them - go start your own pseudo church and be happy!

7) Capitalism. Yeah this might contradict with #3 and I do think capitalism works best but at the same time we are dealing with sinful man who is out to get all he can for himself (or herself). Capitalism does allow for anyone to become wealthy but sometimes it seems that wealth stays in just a few hands and they take advantage of that. Now I hate using the word "they" - another irritation - but this is my blog, so there! Back to capitalism...I suppose Ian might be right after all.

Relaxing with the Feminine

Sarah at methemama.blogspot.com is starting a revolution of sorts, and I'm playing along:

The "Hot Mama Revolution" has begun and we are looking for recruits! Let's build a militia of Renaissance women who will start wearing form-fitting clothes, carrying a compact, and actually using that gym membership you started shelling out the big bucks for over a year ago!

This will be a weekly meme so be sure to check back every Monday for inspiration and ideas!

I have never been comfortable with my femininity. I have for too long felt I lack that quality which defined me as female. I usually feel awkward in my skin, not relaxed, not confident. When I found Sarah's blog and read her challenge I thought, "This might be good for me." I am a professional late-bloomer and have decided in my mid-40s to practice those things which define me as a woman.

For me the greatest accessory a woman can wear is confidence (yeah, it sounds like an article from Ladies Home Journal or Cosmo, but you know I've given up on magazines!) When a see a woman with confidence it doesn't matter if she is stunningly gorgeous or plain jane, she is a force to be reckoned with and a dynamo I would like on my side. Where does confidence come from? Heck if I know. But I think I'm finding more and more as I age (and I'll be 47 next week!). I think with confidence there is the attitude, "I like who I am, don't care what others think, and I'm here to learn, have fun, and be a blessing!"

So my overarching goal in the hotmamarevolution is to grow in confidence. How am I going about this? Being honest with myself, with others, especially my husband, being not afraid to voice my preferences, my opinion (blogging really helps with this). And prayer. Prayer is where I first begin and where I end. My being is defined by how Christ sees me and, really, when I see myself as He sees me I have all the confidence in the world, and then some!

God-given Christ-self

There's an excellent article at World Net Daily (thanks to mommylife.net for linking it) about Michael Glatze, a publisher for a magazine called Young Gay America. From the age of 13 until 30 he was active in the homosexual life, until he began doubting that his lifestyle was virtuous and truthful. The article is not too long and I encourage you to read it through. I was especially encouraged/challenged by what Michael said "Homosexuality allows us to avoid digging deeper, through superficiality and lust-inspired attractions – at least, as long as it remains "accepted" by law. As a result, countless miss out on their truest self, their God-given Christ-self."

I can see this understanding and truth applying to so much more than only homosexuality - really any "idol" (money, food, reputation, etc.) we place in our hearts to "feel" and search for love. The truth is that love is only found in relationship with our Creator and living according to His will and desire for our lives - our "God-given Christ-self." When I settle for things other than Christ to fulfill me (for me, honestly, it's food) I am not digging deeper, I am lazy and settling for superficiality. Oh, this is a burden and not freedom. I am praying today that Michael's honest and truthful example will strike me down to the point of being able only to reach out to the one person who can bring true comfort and love. It is not a thing, not a food, not a magazine, not a nap, not another person...only in relationship with Christ.

How A Gay Rights Leader Became Straight

By Michael Glatze

Homosexuality came easy to me, because I was already weak.

My mom died when I was 19. My father had died when I was 13. At an early age, I was already confused about who I was and how I felt about others.

My confusion about "desire" and the fact that I noticed I was "attracted" to guys made me put myself into the "gay" category at age 14. At age 20, I came out as gay to everybody else around me.

At age 22, I became an editor of the first magazine aimed at a young, gay male audience. It bordered on pornography in its photographic content, but I figured I could use it as a platform to bigger and better things.

Sure enough, Young Gay America came around. It was meant to fill the void that the other magazine I'd worked for had created – namely, anything not-so-pornographic, aimed at the population of young, gay Americans. Young Gay America took off.

Gay people responded happily to Young Gay America. It received awards, recognition, respectability and great honors, including the National Role Model Award from major gay organization Equality Forum – which was given to Canadian Prime Minister Jean Chrétien a year later – and a whole host of appearances in the media, from PBS to the Seattle Times, from MSNBC to the cover story in Time magazine.

I produced, with the help of PBS-affiliates and Equality Forum, the first major documentary film to tackle gay teen suicide, "Jim In Bold," which toured the world and received numerous "best in festival" awards.

Young Gay America created a photo exhibit, full of photographs and stories of gay youth all across the North American continent, which toured Europe, Canada and parts of the United States.

Young Gay America launched YGA Magazine in 2004, to pretend to provide a "virtuous counterpart" to the other newsstand media aimed at gay youth. I say "pretend" because the truth was, YGA was as damaging as anything else out there, just not overtly pornographic, so it was more "respected."

It took me almost 16 years to discover that homosexuality itself is not exactly "virtuous." It was difficult for me to clarify my feelings on the issue, given that my life was so caught up in it.

Homosexuality, delivered to young minds, is by its very nature pornographic. It destroys impressionable minds and confuses their developing sexuality; I did not realize this, however, until I was 30 years old.

YGA Magazine sold out of its first issue in several North American cities. There was extreme support, by all sides, for YGA Magazine; schools, parent groups, libraries, governmental associations, everyone seemed to want it. It tapped right into the zeitgeist of "accepting and promoting" homosexuality, and I was considered a leader. I was asked to speak on the prestigious JFK Jr. Forum at Harvard's Kennedy School of Government in 2005.

It was, after viewing my words on a videotape of that "performance," that I began to seriously doubt what I was doing with my life and influence.

Knowing no one who I could approach with my questions and my doubts, I turned to God; I'd developed a growing relationship with God, thanks to a debilitating bout with intestinal cramps caused by the upset stomach-inducing behaviors I'd been engaged in.

Soon, I began to understand things I'd never known could possibly be real, such as the fact that I was leading a movement of sin and corruption – which is not to sound as though my discovery was based on dogma, because decidedly it was not.

I came to the conclusions on my own.

It became clear to me, as I really thought about it – and really prayed about it – that homosexuality prevents us from finding our true self within. We cannot see the truth when we're blinded by homosexuality.

We believe, under the influence of homosexuality, that lust is not just acceptable, but a virtue. But there is no homosexual "desire" that is apart from lust.

In denial of this fact, I'd fought to erase such truth at all costs, and participated in the various popular ways of taking responsibility out of human hands for challenging the temptations of lust and other behaviors. I was sure – thanks to culture and world leaders – that I was doing the right thing.

Driven to look for truth, because nothing felt right, I looked within. Jesus Christ repeatedly advises us not to trust anybody other than Him. I did what He said, knowing that the Kingdom of God does reside in the heart and mind of every man.

What I discovered – what I learned – about homosexuality was amazing. How I'd first "discovered" homosexual desires back in high school was by noticing that I looked at other guys. How I healed, when it became decidedly clear that I should – or risk hurting more people – is that I paid attention to myself.

Every time I was tempted to lust, I noticed it, caught it, dealt with it. I called it what it was, and then just let it disappear on its own. A huge and vital difference exists between superficial admiration – of yourself, or others – and integral admiration. In loving ourselves fully, we no longer need anything from the "outside" world of lustful desire, recognition from others, or physical satisfaction. Our drives become intrinsic to our very essence, unbridled by neurotic distractions.

Homosexuality allows us to avoid digging deeper, through superficiality and lust-inspired attractions – at least, as long as it remains "accepted" by law. As a result, countless miss out on their truest self, their God-given Christ-self.

Homosexuality, for me, began at age 13 and ended – once I "cut myself off" from outside influences and intensely focused on inner truth – when I discovered the depths of my God-given self at age 30.

God is regarded as an enemy by many in the grip of homosexuality or other lustful behavior, because He reminds them of who and what they truly are meant to be. People caught in the act would rather stay "blissfully ignorant" by silencing truth and those who speak it, through antagonism, condemnation and calling them words like "racist," "insensitive," "evil" and "discriminatory."

Healing from the wounds caused by homosexuality is not easy – there's little obvious support. What support remains is shamed, ridiculed, silenced by rhetoric or made illegal by twisting of laws. I had to sift through my own embarrassment and the disapproving "voices" of all I'd ever known to find it. Part of the homosexual agenda is getting people to stop considering that conversion is even a viable question to be asked, let alone whether or not it works.

In my experience, "coming out" from under the influence of the homosexual mindset was the most liberating, beautiful and astonishing thing I've ever experienced in my entire life.

Lust takes us out of our bodies, "attaching" our psyche onto someone else's physical form. That's why homosexual sex – and all other lust-based sex – is never satisfactory: It's a neurotic process rather than a natural, normal one. Normal is normal – and has been called normal for a reason.

Abnormal means "that which hurts us, hurts normal." Homosexuality takes us out of our normal state, of being perfectly united in all things, and divides us, causing us to forever pine for an outside physical object that we can never possess. Homosexual people – like all people – yearn for the mythical true love, which does actually exist. The problem with homosexuality is that true love only comes when we have nothing preventing us from letting it shine forth from within. We cannot fully be ourselves when our minds are trapped in a cycle and group-mentality of sanctioned, protected and celebrated lust.

God came to me when I was confused and lost, alone, afraid and upset. He told me – through prayer – that I had nothing at all to be afraid of, and that I was home; I just needed to do a little house cleaning in my mind.

I believe that all people, intrinsically, know the truth. I believe that is why Christianity scares people so much. It reminds them of their conscience, which we all possess.

Conscience tells us right from wrong and is a guide by which we can grow and become stronger and freer human beings. Healing from sin and ignorance is always possible, but the first thing anyone must do is get out of the mentalities that divide and conquer humanity.

Sexual truth can be found, provided we're all willing and driven to accept that our culture sanctions behaviors that harm life. Guilt should be no reason to avoid the difficult questions.

Homosexuality took almost 16 years of my life and compromised them with one lie or another, perpetuated through national media targeted at children. In European countries, homosexuality is considered so normal that grade-school children are being provided "gay" children's books as required reading in public schools.

Poland, a country all-too familiar with the destruction of its people by outside influences, is bravely attempting to stop the European Union from indoctrinating its children with homosexual propaganda. In response, the European Union has called the prime minister of Poland "repulsive."

I was repulsive for quite some time; I am still dealing with all of my guilt.

As a leader in the "gay rights" movement, I was given the opportunity to address the public many times. If I could take back some of the things I said, I would. Now I know that homosexuality is lust and pornography wrapped into one. I'll never let anybody try to convince me otherwise, no matter how slick their tongues or how sad their story. I have seen it. I know the truth.

God gave us truth for a reason. It exists so we could be ourselves. It exists so we could share that perfect self with the world, to make the perfect world. These are not fanciful schemes or strange ideals – these are the Truth.

Healing from the sins of the world will not happen in an instant; but, it will happen – if we don't pridefully block it. God wins in the end, in case you didn't know.

What Dreams May Be

I am a strong believer in the power of dreams-- the dreams you have between the sheets, when you're in that hazy indescribable state of sleep where your mind is processing the days gone by and playing them out like a Fellinni movie. I love remembering my dreams in the morning. I once read that one should slowly wake up, make no movement until you are alert then your dreams can be contained in you conscience mind.

I have had a few dreams in my lifetime when I sensed the presence of God speaking to me, helping me through a situation, causing me to understand and move through a decision more peacefully. I was reminded of one such dream today.

I am in the middle of a battle. It's a battle from long ago. No guns, planes, even canons. Bows and arrows are the weapons. I am standing by a shallow yet swiftly moving river. There is chaos all around me and suddenly an arrow pierces my shoulder. I fall to my knees. Just as suddenly an elderly Indian man is standing next to me and calmly tells me to fall back into the river. I question his sensibilities. If I fall into that river I will hit my head on the rocks and surely drown. "No," he says. "Trust - it is the only way to be healed." I wade out to the middle of the water and facing upstream I fall back - flat - right into the cool flow. Instead of hitting rock I am cushioned by the current and the water isn't icy. I feel carried, held up, buffeted by the movement for a purpose, for a reason. My sense of comfort and security is incredibly strong. I trust. My entire body is relaxed and healed.

I awake, no really awake, and continue in that sense of relaxation, comfort and security and in those few seconds before my eyelids open fully I am aware this is what God asks of me -- fall backwards into a shallow stream whose rocks are sharp. Trust Him to know this is the best course of action. He will carry me, heal me, replenish me.

My Rant

My husband said I was rude. I think I was justified.

We went to the Verizon store yesterday so I could upgrade my phone. After so many months you're allowed to get a new phone with a discount BUT you have to renew your service contract. We renewed our contract in March when we added another line (for Ian's birthday). At that time we asked "When can I get a new phone." I was told in June.

So we traipse into the store, all ready to pick out something with a camera (now pretty standard and inexpensive and did I tell you the battery on my phone doesn't last longer than a day?). Guess what -- I have to renew our contract if I want a new phone. WHAT?! Yep, that's right. New phones are free or discounted only if you renew your contract. So I ask, "Umm, we renewed our contract in March when we added a third line. Doesn't that count?" Apparently NOT! Now I could buy a new battery for $49 but with my phone being so old (22 months - that's old?!) it probably wouldn't do much good or I could purchase a new phone at retail price. Do you know how much the retail price of a phone is - especially the phones that usually come free (with a contract)? $129!

I was flabberghasted. I asked again saying "That can't be right, we just renewed and I was told when we renewed that I could come back in June to get a new phone." I was given the same company line.

I turned to walk out and loudly said, "That's ridiculous!" The sales rep. said "Have I nice day." but I couldn't respond. I walked out of the store with Dave saying to my back, "Honey, that was rather rude."

I quickly spun around and said "Rude! Are you defending their policy!"
"Uhhh, no, I just think you were a little rude in there. They're just doing their job."
"Well, that doesn't help me with their ridiculous policy which we renewed and we were told to come back in..."
"Yeah, but you were rude."
"I'm also mad. I'm going home to write a letter to Verizon and tell them this is ridiculous. And what's more infuriating is they have a monopoloy on our business. We have no other cell phone service in our area. And I am still ticked at Verizon for driving through 2 1/2 states with no service. CAN THEY HEAR ME NOW!"

So two blogs ago I said I wish I were more bold. I just didn't want to add "rude" to that!

My first meme

In the world of blogland there are these things called "memes". I'm not sure what that means, I'll have to google it and read through a bunch of blogs to understand the right definition. Anyway...it's kind of like chain-mail - not the kind that Arthur and Sir Galahad wore - the kind you receive and then send on to 5 others. With a meme you answer or list your top/favorite/worst/best whatever and then "tag" others to do the same. Quite a fun little game for us mature, purpose-driven, responsibility-laden adults to play. So let's play, shall we?

Answer the following questions (courtesy of rocksinmydryer):
1. If you could only eat one food for the rest of your life, what would it be?
Man, I get the toughest one at the start! I'll have to go with some kind of fruit/vegetable, although I'd have to live somewhere where that fruit/vegetable is plentiful all year-round. I really like Romaine lettuce but I don't know how my digestive tract would be if I only ate this green. I guess I'm more and more (as I ponder how to answer this ponderable question) thankful that the Creator gave us such a vast variety of consummables.
2. What's the most nerve-racking "close call" you've ever had?
Okay, it's 1982 and I'm driving Kris Storey's Datsun (pre-Nissan) station wagon. What a beater! I had just learned how to drive stick on Nancy's VW Rabbit. I had spent the night at my mom's in Glendora and am driving back to Pasadena on the 210. Can you say "Traffic Jam!" Naturally I'm driving in the fast lane and suddenly traffic slows. I stretch my leg to hit the brake and, oops, it hits the clutch. Nothing happens. I'm coasting closer and closer to the car dead ahead. What do I do in the brief 3 seconds before I see the rear end of another much too closely, I swerve onto the inner shoulder and sail right by the stopped traffic. I find the brake within a matter of seconds and stop. My heart is racing, my palms are sweaty and I say, "Thank you LORD for having me drive in this lane, so I was able to swerve to an empty spot. Prevenience!" Whew, that was fun to answer.
3. Name five features your ultimate dream house would have.
Soapstone counter tops
In-door lap swim pool
The deepest and widest jacuzzi tub
Wrap around deck
Down-stairs rec room, large enough for everyone to lay out their favorite legos, guitars, books, x box games, computers, sewing machine, craft table and sound-proof so no noise carries to the upstairs.
4. Who has been the most influential non-relative in your life?
I'm going to have to go with an older person, not a peer and say Roberta Winter. She was the mother of one of my best friends in high school. Her faith was so natural, an extension of her soul, not made up for the masses. She cared for those close to her and loved the world so much that she dedicated her life to see the Gospel invade every corner.
5. What one non-physical feature would you most like to change about yourself?
I would LOVE to be bolder. I so, too often hold my tongue rather than speak my mind or complain about something. A friend, years and years ago, described her father as someone who would rather eat poop then complain. Unfortunately I think I am the same. I know I've just got to shake off caring what people think of me and aire my opinions.

So here are 5 questions (or answer the 5 above) for you to ponder (if you don't have a blog) and you to blog about (if you do):
1. Where would you like to visit in the world, where you have never been before?
2. Time travel is possible. When would you go?
3. Your house is on fire. What would your grab (family and pets are safe)?
4. What was your most embarrassing moment?
5. Coffee or Tea?

Thanks for playing and come again!

Do I Really Need All This?

I like magazines. I could easily spend A LOT of money on magazines. Currently I have limited myself to three: Real Simple; Better Homes and Gardens and All You. I really like going to Borders and picking up BBC Good Food and Ideal Homes. But they cost the same as a small paperback so I only indulge once or twice a year. I used to subscribe/buy a lot more magazines - Women's day, Family Circle, the occasional InStyle. But I found the more magazines I looked through the more discontent I was with my life. One thing these journals have in common - advertisements and lots of it. As I was flipping through a Better Homes and Gardens a few months ago, I counted how many ads were in the magazine. About 70% of the mag was ads and 30% pictures/articles. Why do I pay for these things! They should be paying me to read them!
So you have the advertisements and then you have the various articles:
- How to declutter you house in a weekend
- What moisturizer is best for your age skin
- The latest styles for slim, petite, curvaceous, or tall women
- 10 best Easter/Passover menus
- The Most delicious chocolate cake and
- How to lose 10 pounds/drop a dress size by next month!

It seems to me a lot of the articles in and of themselves are advertisements. Got wrinkles-use these creams; want to look great this summer-buy this dress--all telling me to buy, buy, buy to look, feel, smell my best. And I am a ripe vanity victim to their temptations!

And yet....do I really need under-eye cream, night cream, hair-lustre cream, or lavendar-scented detergent.

Last summer I read an article out of the Daily Mail. A salon owner was challenging his clients not to wash their hair in between hair cuts (6-8 weeks). Only one out of the eight women had something negative to say. The others commented how hard it was to get used to but after a week their hair adjusted to relying on its natural oils. Their manes were thicker, healthier, full of body. Well, a sucker for the latest, I tried it. Yep! I went 4 months without washing my hair! I did rinse everyday with warm water but shampoo was never on my scalp. My family was a little grossed out, especially my sister-in-law. The result, my hair was thicker, had more body, and was wavier. This got me thinking about the beauty industry and how much I fall victim to their dictates of what I should and shouldn't be doing. Do I really need to shampoo rinse and repeat?

So I let my subscription to my mags run out this month. I decided I don't need Madison Avenue telling me what I need to make me feel confident and secure...but I do need to run to the store for a new tube of mascara!

Enjoying the Hobbit...Again

For our last read-aloud Aidan and I are reading the Hobbit. Great read. Aidan loves it and hates when I put it down, "Please just one more chapter!"

As I'm reading through, this time, an aspect of the character of Bilbo leapt out of the book to me.

In the beginning Gandalf invites all the dwarves to Bilbo's house to plan the adventure. When the dwarves question Gandalf in his choice of burglar Gandalf responds,

"That's right...Let's have no more argument. I have chosen Mr. Baggins and that ought to be enough for all of you. If I say he is a Burglar, a Burglar he is, or will be when the time comes. There is a lot more in him than you guess, and a deal more than he has any idea of himself. You may (possibly) all live to thank me yet."

Now of course, Bilbo has no idea what's in store for him. But Gandalf sees his potential. Prior to this great adventure Bilbo had never stepped out of the Shire and now he has crossed the Misty Mountains, wrestled spiders, outwitted a Gollum, pickpocketed trolls and stole from the great Smaug. All because he stepped out his front door into an unknown adventure to face and become what Gandalf saw he could be.

I love that. I love it in stories when the hero has no idea who they are or of their capabilities and through trial and tribulation they become greater, wiser, braver, stronger, humbler.

Bilbo is in the Lone Mountain, has encountered Smaug, and beginning to recognize the changes in himself:

"Already he was a very different hobbit from the one that had run out without a pocket handkerchief from Bag-End long ago."

And then the dwarves too are seeing the wisdom of Gandalf's choice:

"Already they had come to respect little Bilbo. Now he had become the real leader in their adventure. He had begun to have ideas and plans of his own."

How much potential is in me, when I step out my front-door into unknown, unplanned adventures? How much for yourself? But it takes that first step, not thinking, re-thinking, and re-re-thinking again...just stepping out without our pocket-handkerchief!

I hate my sin and cling to His kindness leading to repentence

I hate asking for help. I hate it so much that it's become an albatross around my neck. It hinders me from receiving from others. It hinders me from serving others. It hinders me from living under grace. It turns me into a faux-martyr. It makes me angry at others. It isolates me from fellowship.

While Dave and I were working with a mission-mobilization ministry we were on financial support. I hated it. I hated to ask people to support us. I hated it when our paycheck was severely low and we had to turn to family for help. I hated sending out prayer/newsletters every other month.

Now we work at a church. Dave is the pastor but I have several (self-imposed) responsibilities. These duties have grown through the five years we've been here. And I still hate asking others to help me. I enjoy serving in the church. To me it's not an obligation (because I am the "Pastor's Wife"), but rather it is because I see a need and see where our church's ministry should be and make myself available.

Last week was our annual Mother-Daughter Banquet. My women's Bible study has taken on this task for the past 4 years, due to my asking. Unfortunately, due to circumstances beyond many's control, our Bible study fell apart this year. So...I took on the banquet. And nearly drowned. The Sunday prior to the banquet the Holy Spirit socked me in between the eyes with my sin. Yep, a sin for not asking for help.

I've confessed, fessed up to Dave and some women. I don't know why I am drawn to not asking for help. Pride? Fear? Pride? The conclusion I have come to thus far is I hate confronting, either with conflict or presenting my needs. It seems more convenient to me to do it myself, that way I am not burdening anyone. So I suppose there is both fear and pride involved. The Tuesday after the banquet the kids and I were reading 1 John 4. Wow -

There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love (vs. 18)

Since I've repented of this life-long vice I am now consciously working on rooting it out further. One manifestation of this is the car. For years, probably since Dave and I have been married, I have been the one in the driver's seat, literally. I relish the control. Dave, not wanting to fight that battle, moves to the passenger seat. Probably in his wisdom he knew I would relinquish sooner or later. He just had to wait me out. So, I'm switching seats. I am calmly sitting in the passenger seat, giving him the keys and letting him drive, his own style, his own method. Literally and figuratively, I feel like I am finally giving up on control - control that wasn't good, that alienated intimacy and built a brick wall between me and the ones I love.

Several years ago Dave and I took dance lessons (just one night's worth). I was no good. Why? I wouldn't let him lead. Now I wish our small town of Sparta had a ballroom dance instructor because I think that exercise would help further establish intimacy and release me from the slavery of needing to be in control.

In all this I feel remarkably calm and right. So often I knew there was a wrong in my life, the control and the pride. And so often I swept it under the carpet and refused to deal with it - it wasn't a huge issue (or so I justified), but there have been prayers on my part and God, in his infinite wisdom, kindness and mercy, brought me to the point of accepting and repenting of this sin. So I am rejoicing. Rejoicing that I lean upon my Father who wants me to be better, a better follower of his, a better wife, a better mother, a better sister, a better friend. He hasn't left me to wallow in self-pity, anger, pride, or fear. In His gentleness He has planted in me a desire to move away from those things and move more into His likeness.

Snippy and Annoyed

I'm feeling rather snippy and annoyed today. There are numerous reasons why: The weather has turned cold and I know that means a head cold coming on; I made a goal to eat only 2 pieces of bread, and had 4 instead; I have several tasks I need to do for church and I don't know when I can accomplish them; we're having company this weekend and my house is a disaster; no matter how much I clean the house is still a disaster; I discovered new pencil markings on a previously unmarked wall this morning; someone spilled something on the carpet, in a corner, who knows when, and I just found that too; my skin is rather dry and itchy today; I've been reading alot of blogs that center around the role of women in the church - some I agree with and some which anger me to no end.

SO that along with untold other issues...I'm feeling snippy and annoyed. Now, in this state it is best to leave me alone and let me analyze why I feel this way and work it out (and that's what this blog is for too). Probably the fact that this is holy week has a little something to do with it too. At the beginning of this week I blogged about the church in Nigeria. It's now Thursday and I'm blogging a pity party for myself. I'm just so pathetic!

I'm sure you've experienced this, every Sunday morning - everyone is rushing around to get ready for church, last minute ironing, too many in the bathroom, one person won't get out of bed, I haven't had my needed cup of tea. Well that's how I'm feeling today.

When there is a "spiritual" moment set aside for myself, my family, it seems the flesh screams out for attention. When I draw nearer to a time for soulful reflection my selfishness is so much more apparent. That is what the law was there for - to throw in our face how much we cannot do IT on our own. I cannot attain righteousness by making my mind slow down and say, "Okay, now be spiritual, think right thoughts, be meditative, be righteous." My mind immediately blares out, "Heck no, not me, don't tell me what to do, who the #$% are you!" (Can you tell I'm snippy and annoyed?)

There is so much for which I should be grateful - and I am. Yet I don't live it. A fabulous blogger (heatheronthenet.com/confessions) wrote a story about her time singing "I Surrender All" amidst a congregation who truly had surrendered all. She however, was unwilling to give up wearing shorts - a matter of pride. She detailed a few members of the congregation who had given up anxiety and independence by trusting in God to supply ALL their needs. One man hadn't eaten in 3 days because he had no money and continued to trust God to provide.

Now reading stories like Heather's helps me get out of my snippy and annoyed slump - when I quit focusing on ME and focus on HIM and OTHERS.

Today in the mail we received the newsletter from a church we attended in Colorado. The pastor's message is so appropriate for my day. He highlighted Hebrews 12:1-3 which I will be taking to heart this weekend and meditating on day and night:

Do you see what this means—all these pioneers who blazed the way, all these veterans cheering us on? It means we'd better get on with it. Strip down, start running—and never quit! No extra spiritual fat, no parasitic sins. Keep your eyes on Jesus, who both began and finished this race we're in. Study how he did it. Because he never lost sight of where he was headed—that exhilarating finish in and with God—he could put up with anything along the way: Cross, shame, whatever. And now he's there, in the place of honor, right alongside God. When you find yourselves flagging in your faith, go over that story again, item by item, that long litany of hostility he plowed through. That will shoot adrenaline into your souls!

Brave in my blogs, brave in my dreams

Do you ever have dreams where you save someone's life, speak for truth and justice, stand bravely against the wrong in this world? I do. I often portray myself as articulate, bold, witty and undeterred. I portray, somewhat, the same on blogs - not just my blog but when I comment on others. Several posts ago I wrote how much I love blogging because one can edit and edit until their words are so fine tuned that they make sense. If I were to stand in front of a group and spout off as I do on my blog I would fumble, stutter, hem and haw and basically make a fool of myself. I am much more articulate on this site than I am in real life.

During President Bush's state of the union address he acknowledged the bravery of a man who jumped in after someone who fell on a subway line. No hesitation, no second guessing. He jumped in and brought the man to safety. I wonder if I have that bravery in me. I wonder what am I made of and do I have the guts to hold to my convictions when tested. I don't feel that my life has been tested.

If someone screamed help because they were being attacked, they were injured, whatever, would I come running to their aid, regardless of my own safety (like the man in the subway). I haven't been tested but in my heart of hearts I think I would have second, third, fourth thoughts before taking off in the direction of the scream. "What of my own safety, what if it's a ruse, I have to think of my children!"

Part of my hesitation is born out of the mistrust I think is prevalent in our society. We don't believer other's pleas for help are legitimate. I see this out our church and it's food bank. We've had numerous people come to our house and church asking for money, food, a helping hand, only to find out this is their 9-5 job- visiting churches and asking for alms. It tends to jade you to the people who really need it.

But it's not just for physical cries for help. When I'm in a situation where scripture is used unscripturally, (this has happened when I was much younger during college years), the name of Christ is slandered or an opposing opinion is made...do I stand up and speak my peace with the same gumption and gall as the other's? Usually I swallow my pride and my bravery and my words and say nothing.

So I'm bold on the internet and in my dreams. Maybe those are rehearsal for when the real thing happens.

I love James Bond movies (where are you going with this Barb?). I really liked the latest - Casino Royale. Near the beginning of the movie James is chasing a terrorist through a construction site. It's an amazing piece of stunt work. The terrorist is jumping through cars, scaling almost vertical beams, leaping 10-20 feet off roofs. James is following close behind but before he runs he surveys the lay of the land: what's a possible short-cut, which way up, down, through and then - bang - he moves. No hesitation. He plans, then executes.

I feel I've been planning and (I hesitate to say this fearing something is around the corner that will but my plan into action) have no idea if I will stand strong when finally tested.

Quiet times

Quiet times --- the words elicit guilt in me. Guilt, condemnation...hmmm, somewhere I've heard there is no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus. Now I know I am in Christ Jesus so where is this condemnation coming from? What have I been taught for 30 some-odd years that continually strikes fear in my being?

You know what quiet times are--getting away for reading of scripture, journaling and prayer. It's a time of solitude. It's a time of one-on-one with God. And I have never enjoyed it. Wow. That felt good to get off my chest. I'm going to say it again -- I have never enjoyed the concept of "quiet time."

Why? Because I never: 1) could find the time (especially now, 4 kids, homeschooling - but I don't want to make this a list of excuses); 2) I always struggled with keeping my mind quiet so I could "hear" God; 3) I always wondered - well what do I do, what do I read, what should I write.

Now don't get me wrong, I believe many, many people delight and depend on their quiet times. Scripture, especially the Psalms, record the delight of meditating the laws of the Lord. I do not want to disregard anyones habit. And when I was single I would regularly journal scripture and prayers (they are packed away in boxes in my basement).

Yet, for me (hear that strongly please), quiet times have always been a struggle I think because it's something I've been told I should have/do.

Holly at seekingfaithful.wordpress.com has a excellent post on communion in chaos. She notes (with much agreement from this blogger)

I have often read devotional books that speak of “stealing away” for times of extended devotions, and I know immediately that the author is a man…usually a man with grown children. Either that or a severely sleep deprived woman. But it seems to me that most books on the spiritual discipline of meditating on the Words of Christ are written by seminary professors. And I am pretty sure that they are men who sit in somber, dusty, cloistered…quiet….attic rooms. Time is their luxury, their commodity. No teething infants, nor screaming tots, no feet sticking to the jelly in those quiet rooms.

Today my time with God is throughout the day, often when I close the bathroom. I read scripture with my kids. We go through the lectionary. I ask them questions, they ask me questions. I stop mid-sentence through Romans and say, "Do you think God wants you to keep sinning so you will know how much God loves you because he will keep forgiving you?" I like this kind of "quiet time". My mind and spirit feed off of my kids questions. And for some odd reason my spirit loves to read scripture aloud - to another, with intonation, voices, drama. Somewhere in my mind I think the way I've been taught

When the kids leave home I'm sure the form of my "quiet time" will change. Yet it's comforting to know God is not limited to the form/method taken to deepen/maintain our relationship.

P.S. There's a great post over at KruseKronicles which is a reprint of an article by Harold Kurtz-A Missionary on the Equality of the Sexes
(www.krusekronicle.typepad.com)

When will and desire kiss

When someone can get their will and desire to agree will you tell me how they did it?

I have such a strong desire to be disciplined and self-controlled. My children truly desire to be obedient. I REALLY want to love unselfishly.

But those desires are gone when the will takes over and says, You deserve it, go ahead, no one else will care about you!

Lent, if anything else, brings my sinful-self into full view. Hey, ain't that what the law is supposed to do? Sunday I was all ready to begin the Lenten season, armed, equipped with desire to purge the flesh of selfish wants, focusing only on needs, thinking of the world, how much we have vs. have much they don't have.

This is so stupid, it's embarrassing to bring up. But I will anyway. Last night, as I was putting the dishes away, I noticed the 3 ferrero rocher candies left from Valentines. HMMM! Chocolate hazelnut....HMMMM! But it's Ash Wednesday. The beginning of Lent. What a weak person I am if I can't even control my gluttony for 24 hours! HMMM! No, I slammed the cupboard and said, No! I walked away and prayed God, help my weakness because it is sooo strong.

And that's what fasting, sacrificing (even in that trivial moment over chocolate) is for? Leaning on him for all strength. That is what Lent is for, and just Advents does, creating in me a yearning, a groaning and craving for the world to come - anticipating His return and all the burden released.

So it's only Thursday.... The kids and I are going through the lectionary for Bible Study and using the Divine Hours for prayer. It feels a little stiff, haven't got the rhythm down yet but reading through Old Testament, Psalms, Gospels and Epistles is rich and meaty.

Joel 2:1-3,

Blow the ram's horn trumpet in Zion!

Trumpet the alarm on my holy mountain!

Shake the country up!

God's Judgment's on its way—the Day's almost here! A black day! A Doomsday!

Clouds with no silver lining! Like dawn light moving over the mountains,

a huge army is coming. There's never been anything like it and never will be again.

Wildfire burns everything before this army and fire licks up everything in its wake.Before it arrives, the country is like the Garden of Eden.

When it leaves, it is Death Valley. Nothing escapes unscathed.

Joel 2:12-17

But there's also this, it's not too late—God's personal Message!—"Come back to me and really mean it! Come fasting and weeping, sorry for your sins!"

Change your life, not just your clothes. Come back to God, your God.

And here's why: God is kind and merciful. He takes a deep breath, puts up with a lot,

This most patient God, extravagant in love, always ready to cancel catastrophe.

Who knows? Maybe he'll do it now, maybe he'll turn around and show pity.

Maybe, when all's said and done, there'll be blessings full and robust for your God!
Blow the ram's horn trumpet in Zion! Declare a day of repentance, a holy fast day.

Call a public meeting. Get everyone there. Consecrate the congregation.

Make sure the elders come, but bring in the children, too, even the nursing babies,

Even men and women on their honeymoon—interrupt them and get them there.

Between Sanctuary entrance and altar, let the priests, God's servants, weep tears of repentance.

Let them intercede: "Have mercy, God, on your people! Don't abandon your heritage to contempt.

Don't let the pagans take over and rule them and sneer, 'And so where is this God of theirs?'"

Ice Cream, Spider Solitaire and other weaknesses

Why are bad habits so easy to start and so hard to stop? Basic, basic, sin question. I know. But it pops in my head almost daily. I'm 46 years old and struggle continually with lack of discipline, selfishness and pursuit of mindless drivel. The addiction of the day...spider solitaire. Hardly a fatal distraction you may say, but it absorbs me. My days fade into oblivion when I play this game. And it could be any other game. My boys told me about a website called "Freeaddictinggames" and they aren't kidding. I would stay up to 1, 1:30am shooting balls, knocking down fast food bars, trying to match lines. I had to delete the download off my computer. For lent this past year I gave up spider solitaire. And I did well. Didn't play the game once. But when resurrection Sunday came...well, I did give it a few more weeks...I was back on. I, surprisingly, couldn't remember how to play at first. But like I said...so easy to start. I began at the medium level, just to refresh myself. I quickly moved up to hard. And that's where I am today.
When I think of the wasted minutes, nay, hours, I've spent on that game.... I am ashamed.
I think I have an addictive personality, if there is such a thing. That's not an excuse. But it seems odd that some people have no compunction toward things that I could get lost in. My husband, Dave, scoffs at solitaire, almost sneers when he sees it on the screen. It's incomprehensible to him how I could linger at the game. Same thing with chocolate. He could keep a bar in his desk drawer for months, years and not be tempted. Good luck with me for 15 minutes.
It seems I only become addicting to those things which are B-A-D...TV, computer games, surfing the web, ice cream, cadbury's chocolate, home decorating magazines... I could go on and on but I won't.
My consolation in all this is that my plethora of bad addictions pushes me to fall into the Lord's arms, continually asking for strength and continually reminding me of my utter depravity and total weakness. And so I fall. Maybe that's the position I should stay in, fallen, down-faced, on knees so that my face is not distracted by those temptations but looking only to his strength.